The part where I just get to try and be ME again, and not the girl who’s defined by her husband's choices and life's now MANY uncontrollable circumstances. I’m laying here feeling all of the frustrated, sad, impossible to describe heartache and hurt, disappointed and embarrassed feelings that I do EVERY time I tell anyone for the first time. There was a brief time when he lived back at home with me and the girls, as I tried with every fiber of my being to overcome and work through things with him, but ultimately we have decided that permanent separation - and now divorce - would be best... I want to gush and spill my heart out about the amazing healing powers of true forgiveness and hope……. (here’s that excruciating exercise of vulnerability I was talking about). I’ve decided that SO much of the good in us gets buried in these new layers of life's complexities when we go through something that we shouldn't be able to survive emotionally, that sometimes it feels like the best parts of us just fade and disappear. I do NOT want to only be defined by my life's crappy side effects... I refuse to stop trying to get back up again, after being knocked down by blows of sadness and grief. I know there's still a "bottom" somewhere to plant my feet, and a side/shoreline to swim to...
That’s the moment that is worth all the super awful, anxiety filled ones before it. It's brought a closeness between my girls and I, and a fulfillment to my life that I never, ever could of dreamed of, or even knew to wish for. The EVERYDAY happy, that turns into weeks and then months. I feel more in-tune with others who have gone through some sort of hell on earth like this too. I've reached a new level of sadness that has "upgraded" me from a kiddie pool of depth, to a gaping, unfamiliar ocean.
Sure it will start with great sex and they will make you feel “alive” and young but proceed with caution.
When they tell you that they don’t want these things they are lying! Early 40’s with small children – although these women are closer to your age (not really) they are at a completely different stage.
And there's literally nothing you can do to stop it. If someone would of told me that I would be able to survive through the immense heartache, bone-crushing grief, loss of control and excruciating emotional pain that these past 2 years would put me through... and ACTUALLY being caught.#biggirltruths That all being said, I want you to know... And also because I'm beating my brains out just trying to stay respectful, kind and to keep my main focus on finding those happy moments in my day - and I miss my blog being part of that. I want to cry and complain about how being a single mom sucks and is so hard, stressful and yet also incredibly empowering all at once. I just feel smarter somehow, more aware, more passionate about things that happen from day to day, and more alert. 😢 I feel for others like I never thought I could before.
It just hits you straight on, like a truck moving 100 miles per hour. I was blind-sighted and crushed when my entire happy world came crumbling down around me. " No one could or SHOULD ever have to live through that!!! and even functioning to the point of mechanically doing the laundry 2 days after your whole world and future comes crashing down right in front of your eyes. there’s no comparable feeling in the world to that of diving ass-backwards into a pile of scrawny, untrusting arms... and I want to scream the truth from the rooftops, so I don't have to skirt and dodge questions or explain myself anymore. My husband is gone, my marriage is gone, and still at times my future feels pointless, lonely and so damn scary without a spouse to share and plan it with. I miss being an "Us" and "We" instead of an "I" and "Me".
I lack motivation, patience and almost all trust in others. I cling on like a life vest to the few people that keep me floating above the overwhelming waters of loss, grief and self doubt that I’m experiencing. Turns out, not a lot of us who go through all of these horrible new feelings and experiences want to admit at the core of it all... Want to know the truly ironic part of it all though? It’s super intimidating, but amazingly calming all at once. For me, I really just need to feel all of these bad things without burying them, so that I can confront them, process them and then put them on a shelf so I don’t have to keep carrying them around all the time. I'm barely treading water trying not to drown most days, and sometimes all I really want is a standing ovation for just showing up to life and "surviving my oceans obstacles" - for being a kick-ass single Mom and taking on the homework, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, fighting, emotional outbursts, birthdays, holidays and then actual PAID work, when I can fit it in.
Be cautious men, these women are looking for you to do it all over again and that means house and children. It's 4am, another sleepless night and I can't stop thinking about something my bishop and friend Randy once told me while sitting on my couch. He would pull me out of my head and back down to the ground over and over again at the beginning. And now I can only pray that he knows how many times that saved me. more than I’d like to admit - yet I pray with more purpose than I ever have before, and lean longer and harder on my inner circle support group than I ever thought I could. Sharing all of this and pushing publish makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I know that bottling it away from everyone for much longer is only making it more impossible for me to inch closer to finding and sharing the best parts of myself again. He passed away just a year ago, and I can’t write this post without mentioning the huge role he played in being supportive, understanding and nonjudgemental through the absolute hardest part of my life so far. I’ve questioned my religion, my friendships and myself… And even in my “ocean of depth” I can see the big beautiful waves, warm sand, sunshine, security and happiness all around me. Being vulnerable at this capacity is one of the most nerve wracking things I've ever done.They are raising small kids and are looking for someone to be a partner.Yes they do want you to help raise their kids and do it all over again. If you have money, well that just makes you more attractive. Women in their 50’s – these women are your age and there are many available in this group.This post has been in the works for over a year now. - Try your hardest to let the big stuff go - and don't give up. I know that grief is an essential part of this life. all while trying to keep intact the best parts of who you’ve always known you already are. May you find the courage to trust yourself and shout YES to the burn of transformation.